Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXVIII

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Holy shit, this is what you married? I look like 80s Eurotrash.

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I want to have Seth Rogan's Jew ginger babies.

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Where'd your balls go, Chester? Where'd your balls go?

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Does it remind you of your childhood, dad? Following big black bears into the forest?

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Everything she says will now be discounted because of the kid with the chicken on his head.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXVII

I have a blog? Oh, yeah! I do! It doesn't seem to be much of a food blog any longer. It's not that I'm not cooking, I'm just not cooking anything very interesting. Also, the last couple months have been pretty draining because of a change in employment, and I just haven't felt like going through the whole food-blogging process. So, here you go: another installment of things said in my house.

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Jimmy's been trying to marry my mother for 7 years. Every time I see him he gives me $20.

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Is he also a baby corn enthusiast?

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Fuck you, peas! Sorry, sorry! I meant to say that in my head.

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Saran Wrap's like that ex-girlfriend that won't go away.

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When I came to, my hands were tied behind my back, my pants were down, and there was a golf ball in my butt. But it was ok, because Darren's got a CPR card.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXVI

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When is the appropriate time to talk about secretion, if not at dinner?

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You know what I don't get? People who bitch about drinking orange juice after brushing their teeth. You've heard the horror stories. You know it's a bad idea.

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Chester, you don't know shit about my sandwich.

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Since when is masturbate a word we can't say at the table?

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Sluts don't get candy.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXV

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Hey dude, stop looking at my wife's meat cone.

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Check out this stately goat.

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"Why did you go to her first?" "Because she's not a judgmental twat."

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I look like a fat Spartan.

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I don't need a boyfriend. Apple fu

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXIII

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You don't love me, you just love Debra Winger.

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What happened to the bush? I want the Father and the Son and the Holy Bush.

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Don't give this bitch no french fries.

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"Do you really want to walk around Escondido, dad?" "Not really, I don't have any underwear on."

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"Here I am breeding free thinkers." "How dare you?" "I'm an asshole."

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXIV

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Are you going to piss in my shoe and kill a kitten next?

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What do you have against bacon? Jew.

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Stop lubricating my hummus.

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The California Ducks of Mighty Anaheim. Near Los Angeles.

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Some day you're just going to have to accept that tampons are a fact of life.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXII

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All of these network connectivity problems are seriously impeding my ability to look at soft porn from the 60s.

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You actually Googled "gnome porn"?

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That's why Cheerios represent your daddy. Because there are so many, and you just threw them all away.

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You're pretty sweaty for not being Mexican.

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That's why you never take a bitch in the woods. Because, bears.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXXI

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I'm gonna get dressed. Then I'm gonna cut a fool. Then I'm gonna cumbia.

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It's a wrench, the one with the hole. I don't speak tool.

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Old people smell like baby powder and sorrow.

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The one good thing about herpes? You don't have to share anything. With anyone. Ever.

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Don't be alarmed at how awesome I am.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXX

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I like touching warm cake. Is that wrong?

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I really hope that when people see my tits for the first time, the first thing that comes to their mind is not milk.

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Can you put your junk away for like 5 minutes?

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I can't eat that, I'm crunchy right now.

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Don't lick Vicki while she's driving.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXIX

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You didn't suck for a minute. That was cool.

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I wish Jesus came scented.

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You're a gold medal winner in the vibrator Olympics.

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There's nothing more hilarious than a fat guy in a kayak.

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I would punch myself in the Fallopian tube if I knew I was having triplets.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXVIII

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He's got a sweet blue Volvo. But I need to buy him a pie for his birthday.

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If your mom had a chihuahua, she'd be the perfect gay guy.

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I'm not hanging out with you. I'm telling you $h!t. There's a difference.

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Just look up "weird squishy thing for your butt".

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Family cocaine time!

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Non-Food Post - Books Read in 2011

Once again, I'm reading less. Only 18 books in 2011, compared to 24 in 2010. To be fair, I spent most of December reading A Dance with Dragons by George R. R. Martin, which is monstrous. And I'm almost done.

With no further adieu, the list:

Spice – The History of a Temptation – Jack Turner

Manitou – Graham Masterton

Edible Stories – Mark Kurlansky

Mafia Hairdresser – Jon-David

Mistborn – Brandon Sanderson

Salted – Mark Bitterman

The Sword-Edged Blonde – Alex Bledsoe

The Well of Ascension – Brandon Sanderson

The Hero of Ages – Brandon Sanderson

The Way of the Wiseguy – Joseph D. Pistone

Best Food Writing 2007 – Holly Hunter, ed.

The Yellow-Lighted Bookshop – Lewis Buzbee

The Gathering Storm – Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson

Odd Bits – Jennifer McLagan

Choice of the Cat - E. E. Knight

The Ramen King and I - Andy Raskin

11/22/63 - Stephen King

Much Depends on Dinner - Margaret Visser

What did you read?

Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXVII

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If you're going to be holding my foot hostage, you better be rubbing it.

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I so wish my aunt Eulalia's nickname had been lollipop instead of Emma.

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I saw that woman's nipples in the casino.

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Stop licking my phone.

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If I ever get thrombosis, I'm f*(k!ng set, dude.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXVI

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Dude. I seriously had a crush on Lorenzo Lamas back in '85.

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"Luke's such a dick, he didn't invite me to his birthday party."
"That's because he's Asian now."

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I can help you if it has to do with making spaghetti, being awesome, or Canadian trivia.

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I have the power of a hundred horses, and my brain is as bright as a thousand candles.

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I feel so dirty buying the giant box of Goldfish.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXV

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The Asians think I'm a karaoke Jesus.

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Instilling a love of cured meats is every parent's responsibility.

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Have you ever heard a turtle have sex? It sounds so weird.

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I saved the human race today. You're welcome.

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I don't think I'd ever want to eat something called Dave's Hot and Juicy.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXIV

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I had a bad day and all I wanted was some pho, but instead I got this bowl of lies.

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I don't believe that hummingbirds have legs. They're too little.

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"I'm gay! I'm not going to populate!"
"See? Then you don't need nuts."

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"Do you ever think that she's hot and sweaty because you're a 220-pound Mexican that lays on top of her?"
"Dude, I smell like Manteca in the morning."

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I do not eat, nor f@(k, nor associate with chickens, dammit!

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Stop ruining my shit, Jenna, I'm trying to be the harmonica master.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXIII

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He's not weird, he's just Russian.

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I like what you did with your tampon, I mean, dresser.

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It's bright and obnoxious and it's got stars on it. It looks like me.

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Just as I reject Satan, I reject Pepsi.

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You can't rub Chipotle on your wounds and expect them to heal.

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Facial hair is creepy. It's like pubic hair for your face.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXII

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"You know, the priest, the pasture."
"Not pasture, pastor."
"Whatever, the fat guy with the hat."

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Stop giving my mushrooms nipples.

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This is like a Mexican chocolate boner right here.

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Why are you always killing the Olsen twins?

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What the hell, goat wiener?

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XXI

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If I had to die and come back as somebody, Derek Jeter would be on my list.

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I've been reading Romans lately, and Paul's kind of a dick.

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"Are you British?"
"Yes, yes I am."
"Well, pip, pip, cheerio!"
"Hey, that's racist."
"No, it's ok, I've got a black President."

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"Dammit, work!"
"Maybe technology knows you're a doucher."

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Quit rubbing your man-meat all over my KitchenAid.

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Random Quotes from the WIP Household, Part XX

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Do you mind not leaving your wine where I can dip my shorts in it?

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There needs to be a takoyaki and okonomiyaki truck. I'd hijack that m@th<$fu

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It's like a big giant sparkly butt plug. Please, can I set it on fire?

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Pandora is the asshole of the iPhone.

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Hey wait a minute, that's not Mexico, that's Ohio.

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It's not easy to say jungee bumpers.

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The only problem with Doobie Brothers radio on Pandora is that every now and then you have to hear a Doobie Brothers song.

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